What is it about people who think a fall wedding is a good idea? If you’re from South Dakota or something, I can understand why you wouldn’t have the foresight to think about the ramifications of a fall wedding. But, when you are a self respecting couple from the South, you should be considerate to those who you would like to come to your wedding. There are a total of 14 weekends that encompass the college football season, which includes conference championships…14 only. Is it really too much to ask that people aim for one of the other 38 weekends? I would rather you ask me to help you move to Columbia, during the month of July, than ask me to attend your wedding on a big football weekend. Am I out of line here?
I know people’s personal schedules get in the way and I understand the issues that come with having a full time career where your options can be limited. This is very much the exception and not the rule. There are two things that are acceptable to cause football fans to miss a great weekend of football…birth of at least a semi-immediate family member (no more removed than a niece or nephew) and death of a close relative (must be someone legitimately on your family tree). There’s no in-between. And no, even if you are not going to the game, it’s still not cool to keep someone away from their TV on a fall weekend.
Suffice it to say, we had to attend a 5:00 p.m. wedding this weekend in Asheville. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the wife was completely thrilled about the idea of going to another fall wedding, but she felt a sense of duty and obligation…and most importantly, I think she wanted to brag to all of her friends about being impregnated by a man as great as me. As a firm believer in compromise (after whining like a 12 year old girl and trying like hell to get out of it when the invitation arrived), I agreed that I would go to the wedding if we could leave early and make it back home around 9:30 p.m. (Georgia vs. ASU would kick off at 8:00 p.m., so I could catch up with the coverage using DVR). This was still a tremendous sacrifice for me because UF-UT was on at 3:30 p.m. and LSU-Auburn was on at 7:45 p.m. This was easily the best football weekend of the young season. Yep, they couldn’t have done this on the first or second week of the season when all the games suck.
We leave for the wedding around 3:00 p.m. and the wife is driving like A.J. Foyt to get there on time…pretty impressive moves through the mountains, I must admit. Why does my wife take the driving responsibilities on a road trip, one might ask? Well, she gets to drive a cooler, more fun car than I do and I think she enjoys watching me go through car envy while making tight turns in the mountains. I wonder if she gets pleasure from denying me these little joys in life.
When we arrive at the wedding/reception locale, we realize we’re in for a hippie wedding. Yep, the couple is getting married in the equivalent of a cleared out forest. The hippie setting is completed with two earthy, unshaven, sensitive pony-tail men playing guitar near the altar. These two guys have clearly put on their best short-sleeve, organic shirts for the occasion. The most entertaining part of the ceremony was a duet with these two men singing some hippie song for the audience. I always find it hilarious watching two guys look at each other after they softly belt out the chorus in unison. They stare at each other as if to say, “Gosh, we really are in sync tonight. I’m really feeling your vibe. I love the music we make together…it’s magical! What are you doing later tonight? Do you want to smoke some clove cigarettes and talk about the all acoustic album we should put together? I love you man…no, I really do.”
After the hippie ceremony, we adjourned to the large tent for the reception. This was a high school reunion of sorts for the wife, so with me in tow, she had to make the typical rounds and play the catch-up game. The most entertaining part of the reception was watching Shannon approach people she had not seen in a long time, knowing she was four months pregnant. There’s still a lot of pride and vanity in Shannon and right now she’s at the stage where she has just a little “bump” in the waist area. Knowing this little bump was visible and in semi-formal dress, yet not wanting anyone to think she has let herself go, she was incredibly proactive at coming forward with the news of her pregnancy. Conversations would go something like this, “…Good to see you too! It’s been probably two years since we’ve seen each other. You look great! By the way, I’m not getting fat. I’m 4 months pregnant.” This was classic entertainment for me.
After doing the reception thing and grabbing a quick bite of some pretty damn good food, I check the clock. It’s 7:30 p.m., which means it’s time to wrap up insincere and empty promise conversations so we can hit the road. Surprisingly, we were able to get out of there with minimum trouble. We stopped at no less than three gas stations before finally finding Unleaded Plus and two 24 oz. beers for me to drink on the ride home.
So, this wedding wasn’t necessarily a bad or great event. It was fine, nothing better and nothing worse. It was just improperly planned. I’m thinking about opening up a new business of wedding consulting…notice how I didn’t say wedding planning. I would consult people on acceptable dates one can throw a wedding. OK, so it’s not the iPod, but I think it will make me feel better.
For three straight years I have claimed I would send out an e-mail to all friends, and even loose acquaintances, letting them know my fall schedule and weekends I would not be available. I really don’t know why I haven’t followed through on this. So, this seems as good of a time as any to give you my remaining fall schedule and weekends I will not be able to attend any events.
DVR Will Suffice If Desperate:
October 18th – We play Vanderbilt at home.
November 8th – We play Kentucky in Lexington.
November 29th – We play Georgia Tech at home.
Forget It! I Will Only Miss These Games For The Following Reasons:
· Elvis eats entire box of nails and must be rushed to vet.
· Wife eats entire chocolate cake and must be rushed to Hospital.
· Pete Sampras requests me for hitting partner on Centre Court at Wimbledon.
· Sever, or suffer severe laceration to my “package.”
September 27th – We play Alabama at home.
October 11th – We play Tennessee at home.
October 25th – We play LSU in Baton Rouge.
November 1st – We play Florida in Jacksonville.
November 15th – We play Auburn in Auburn.
December 6th – Optional, if Georgia plays in SEC Championship Game.
Now that I’ve gotten those dates out of the way, I’d like for all of the couples who plan to marry during football season to remember one last thing. It may be your special day that you only get to do once in your life, but to everyone else it’s just another wedding that we’ve been to a thousand times. If it’s an autumn wedding, don’t hold your breath waiting for RSVP’s. But, at least you’ll know where you stand on the totem pole of your friends’ loyalties!
By the way, Georgia kicked the sh*t out of Arizona State. I could go over all the highlights, but it would require a lot more time. Equally impressive was Alabama, who stomped the crap out of Arkansas. So, huge game in Athens this weekend!
See you next week!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Week 3 College Football Pool Commentary
Columbia, South Carolina. If it isn’t the hottest damn place on earth, I don’t know what is. Seriously, how could you sell a top flight recruit on going to USC? “If you want to come to a school where you’ll lose 15 lbs. and feel nauseous every time you walk outside, then look no further than Gamecock Country!”
We arrived for tailgating festivities around 11:30 a.m. Kickoff was scheduled for 3:30 p.m. so this was adequate time to get my engine running. I kicked off the drinking with one of my 24 oz. PBR’s. Knowing the heat index was somewhere in quadruple digits, I had to work fast. After polishing off the initial PBR, I could just sense that I had the potential for a good day of drinking…sometimes you just know. However, a new variable was introduced into the day’s equation. I would be sitting with my Senior Vice President and his wife for the duration of the game. Did I mention they are big Gamecock fans?
As we have learned through the years, I am not the most passive of fans when cheering for my beloved Bulldogs. I have cheered to the edge of death and more importantly embarrassment. This was a critical career crossroads for me. As cool of a guy as my SVP is (Genuine Southerner who gets the whole football thing), nobody who has any career ambition would say, “To hell with it…I’m going full throttle baby! I change for nobody!” That’s a little too Stone Cold Steve Austin for the Non-WWE world we live in. At the same time, he would be able to see through some complete bullsh*t, Nancy-pants performance. I decided to call my good friend and confidant Lee Ericson to get his take on the situation an hour before walking into the game. Below is what Lee had to say.
“Where are you in terms of drunkenness? On a scale of 1-10, you sound like about a 4 or 5. OK…I’m gonna need you at about an 8.5 by the time you walk in. What’s the in-game liquor situation like?...Taking in 6 mini bottles of Jack Daniels, huh? Probably should have brought 8. Don’t go in with the mentality of holding back. You can’t bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. I’m going to need your A+ game. You gonna come through or be a little b*tch?”
No doubt, sage advice. In the end, I think I went into the game in the perfect frame of mind. I was petrified of losing to the Thunder Chickens, and at the same time I thought to myself, “We’re ranked #2, they’re out of the Top 25. They couldn’t score in a brothel and we’ve got two Heisman worthy players on offense. Seriously, why in the world would we lose this game?”
As we found our seats and exchanged pleasantries with the Bossman and his wife, it was time for kickoff. USC took our Optimist Soccer-like kick around the 20 and took it to about the 35. My fears were slowly being put to rest when USC couldn’t even gain a yard and was forced into a punt. Knowshon, you heard me, took the punt back 32 yards to set us up around midfield. Quick first down and things are looking good…until a good friend of the Georgia Program made his way to the field.
That’s right! Captain Butterfingers returns! Many of you know I am a big fan of Patrick Swayze. In the movie “Ghost,” Swayze has the ability to place himself inside of others’ bodies and inhabit their physical existence. Captain Buttefingers is no different. He first violated our TE Tripp Chandler and killed the first two drives on highlycatchable 3rd down throws. Not to discriminate, he hopped into WR Kris Durham’s body and forced him to drop a ball in the end zone.
There is no stronger force in the universe than Captain Butterfingers. He has many friends that occasionally frequent the Georgia program such as “Sergeant Sniper” who makes our players fall when running in wide open spaces, “Colonel Clock Management” who prevents players from running out of bounds at the end of the game, “Corporal Keep-It-Real” who commands players to commit personal fouls to sustain opposing teams’ drives, “Major Red Cross” who is responsible for making sure 3 of our 10 best players sustain season ending injuries during fall camp, and “Commander Kickball” who ensures our kickoffs don’t go beyond the 20 yard line. Of all these heroes, Captain Butterfingers is by far the strongest over the past 8 years. He stands alone on the Mt. Olympus that represents a potential Georgia Football demise.
The first half ended in typical UGA-USC fashion. Georgia misses two opportunities to put it in the end zone for a 10-7 lead. Instead, we settle for another field goal and hit the locker room down 7-6…to a team that lost to Vanderbilt the previous week. At least we can make halftime adjustments, right? Surely the better team should prevail, right?
Well, asking Georgia to handily beat a team that has overall inferior personnel is like asking Serena Williams to make her a** look a little smaller, it’s probably not in the cards. We put together a nice scoring drive in the third quarter, finished off by Knowshon who broke something like 75 tackles on a 4 yard TD run. Two point conversion is good and we’re up 14-7. Then the roller coaster ride from hell would begin.
USC crossed the 50 on every possession after our touchdown. The Ol’ Ball Coach showed some flashes of brilliance once again and began killing our linebackers who were matched up with their tight end. If bad things happen to you over and over again, would you do something different to fix the problem? Would you continue to whiz on the electric fence? Would you continue going into the YMCA sauna knowing “Old Man Rat’s Brain” is “hanging” around without a towel and dying for conversation? Would you continue to date Spencer Pratt? Based on the events of Saturday afternoon, Georgia would answer all of these with an emphatic, “HELL YES!” USC ends up with the ball on our 2 yard line with 2nd and Goal when Rennie “The Little Ball of Hate” Curran pops the ball loose and we recover the fumble for a touchback, dropping my heart rate to 140 bpm.
After a 3 and out, our punter launches a 77 yard punt to make the Bulldog Nation feel a little bit better. The feeling was short lived when USC drove right back down the field, exploiting our pass interference and personal foul prone defenders. But, USC did as USC does and they turned it over on downs, making the game look all but over. The Bossman decides to leave at this point to beat traffic and leaves me with this statement, “See ‘ya James, you can be yourself now buddy.”
After failing to get a 1st down, we keep USC’s hopes alive but they have 90 yards to go to tie the game. Almost a third of that was wiped out in 1 play because we refuse to cover the tight end…I’m aggravated. Using the Bossman’s advice, it’s time to show my true colors. Georgia gets a pass interference call giving USC a free 15 yards…I’m really pissed. Next play, another pass interference call for another 15 yards…I’m incensed beyond the point rage.
I begin yelling at the officiating and their mothers. USC fans are smiling a little bit too much for me at this point…this is annoying. Next play, holding on USC (I think I made some inane comment/shout after this holding call, strictly out of complete anger and frustration…saying USC couldn’t hold a pair of nuts or something...guess I say some weird sh*t in the heat of the moment). Finally, USC did as only USC does and threw an interception that we downed on the 3 yard line. Game Over. Final Score: Georgia 14 USC 7.
In a classy move, I spin around a few times waving at all the USC fans letting them know it was a nice try…and probably said something else about them holding their nuts. In addition, I began to make the, “You want a piece of me” hand gesture at anyone who entertained my provoking. I think my wife was clearly turned on by my outlandish behavior and afterward admitted she never found me sexier.
That just about does it. Quick thanks to my sister-in-law, Kelley, and her husband, AJ, who were much classier in defeat than I was a year ago.
Stay tuned for Week 4! Big game against Arizona State!
We arrived for tailgating festivities around 11:30 a.m. Kickoff was scheduled for 3:30 p.m. so this was adequate time to get my engine running. I kicked off the drinking with one of my 24 oz. PBR’s. Knowing the heat index was somewhere in quadruple digits, I had to work fast. After polishing off the initial PBR, I could just sense that I had the potential for a good day of drinking…sometimes you just know. However, a new variable was introduced into the day’s equation. I would be sitting with my Senior Vice President and his wife for the duration of the game. Did I mention they are big Gamecock fans?
As we have learned through the years, I am not the most passive of fans when cheering for my beloved Bulldogs. I have cheered to the edge of death and more importantly embarrassment. This was a critical career crossroads for me. As cool of a guy as my SVP is (Genuine Southerner who gets the whole football thing), nobody who has any career ambition would say, “To hell with it…I’m going full throttle baby! I change for nobody!” That’s a little too Stone Cold Steve Austin for the Non-WWE world we live in. At the same time, he would be able to see through some complete bullsh*t, Nancy-pants performance. I decided to call my good friend and confidant Lee Ericson to get his take on the situation an hour before walking into the game. Below is what Lee had to say.
“Where are you in terms of drunkenness? On a scale of 1-10, you sound like about a 4 or 5. OK…I’m gonna need you at about an 8.5 by the time you walk in. What’s the in-game liquor situation like?...Taking in 6 mini bottles of Jack Daniels, huh? Probably should have brought 8. Don’t go in with the mentality of holding back. You can’t bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. I’m going to need your A+ game. You gonna come through or be a little b*tch?”
No doubt, sage advice. In the end, I think I went into the game in the perfect frame of mind. I was petrified of losing to the Thunder Chickens, and at the same time I thought to myself, “We’re ranked #2, they’re out of the Top 25. They couldn’t score in a brothel and we’ve got two Heisman worthy players on offense. Seriously, why in the world would we lose this game?”
As we found our seats and exchanged pleasantries with the Bossman and his wife, it was time for kickoff. USC took our Optimist Soccer-like kick around the 20 and took it to about the 35. My fears were slowly being put to rest when USC couldn’t even gain a yard and was forced into a punt. Knowshon, you heard me, took the punt back 32 yards to set us up around midfield. Quick first down and things are looking good…until a good friend of the Georgia Program made his way to the field.
That’s right! Captain Butterfingers returns! Many of you know I am a big fan of Patrick Swayze. In the movie “Ghost,” Swayze has the ability to place himself inside of others’ bodies and inhabit their physical existence. Captain Buttefingers is no different. He first violated our TE Tripp Chandler and killed the first two drives on highlycatchable 3rd down throws. Not to discriminate, he hopped into WR Kris Durham’s body and forced him to drop a ball in the end zone.
There is no stronger force in the universe than Captain Butterfingers. He has many friends that occasionally frequent the Georgia program such as “Sergeant Sniper” who makes our players fall when running in wide open spaces, “Colonel Clock Management” who prevents players from running out of bounds at the end of the game, “Corporal Keep-It-Real” who commands players to commit personal fouls to sustain opposing teams’ drives, “Major Red Cross” who is responsible for making sure 3 of our 10 best players sustain season ending injuries during fall camp, and “Commander Kickball” who ensures our kickoffs don’t go beyond the 20 yard line. Of all these heroes, Captain Butterfingers is by far the strongest over the past 8 years. He stands alone on the Mt. Olympus that represents a potential Georgia Football demise.
The first half ended in typical UGA-USC fashion. Georgia misses two opportunities to put it in the end zone for a 10-7 lead. Instead, we settle for another field goal and hit the locker room down 7-6…to a team that lost to Vanderbilt the previous week. At least we can make halftime adjustments, right? Surely the better team should prevail, right?
Well, asking Georgia to handily beat a team that has overall inferior personnel is like asking Serena Williams to make her a** look a little smaller, it’s probably not in the cards. We put together a nice scoring drive in the third quarter, finished off by Knowshon who broke something like 75 tackles on a 4 yard TD run. Two point conversion is good and we’re up 14-7. Then the roller coaster ride from hell would begin.
USC crossed the 50 on every possession after our touchdown. The Ol’ Ball Coach showed some flashes of brilliance once again and began killing our linebackers who were matched up with their tight end. If bad things happen to you over and over again, would you do something different to fix the problem? Would you continue to whiz on the electric fence? Would you continue going into the YMCA sauna knowing “Old Man Rat’s Brain” is “hanging” around without a towel and dying for conversation? Would you continue to date Spencer Pratt? Based on the events of Saturday afternoon, Georgia would answer all of these with an emphatic, “HELL YES!” USC ends up with the ball on our 2 yard line with 2nd and Goal when Rennie “The Little Ball of Hate” Curran pops the ball loose and we recover the fumble for a touchback, dropping my heart rate to 140 bpm.
After a 3 and out, our punter launches a 77 yard punt to make the Bulldog Nation feel a little bit better. The feeling was short lived when USC drove right back down the field, exploiting our pass interference and personal foul prone defenders. But, USC did as USC does and they turned it over on downs, making the game look all but over. The Bossman decides to leave at this point to beat traffic and leaves me with this statement, “See ‘ya James, you can be yourself now buddy.”
After failing to get a 1st down, we keep USC’s hopes alive but they have 90 yards to go to tie the game. Almost a third of that was wiped out in 1 play because we refuse to cover the tight end…I’m aggravated. Using the Bossman’s advice, it’s time to show my true colors. Georgia gets a pass interference call giving USC a free 15 yards…I’m really pissed. Next play, another pass interference call for another 15 yards…I’m incensed beyond the point rage.
I begin yelling at the officiating and their mothers. USC fans are smiling a little bit too much for me at this point…this is annoying. Next play, holding on USC (I think I made some inane comment/shout after this holding call, strictly out of complete anger and frustration…saying USC couldn’t hold a pair of nuts or something...guess I say some weird sh*t in the heat of the moment). Finally, USC did as only USC does and threw an interception that we downed on the 3 yard line. Game Over. Final Score: Georgia 14 USC 7.
In a classy move, I spin around a few times waving at all the USC fans letting them know it was a nice try…and probably said something else about them holding their nuts. In addition, I began to make the, “You want a piece of me” hand gesture at anyone who entertained my provoking. I think my wife was clearly turned on by my outlandish behavior and afterward admitted she never found me sexier.
That just about does it. Quick thanks to my sister-in-law, Kelley, and her husband, AJ, who were much classier in defeat than I was a year ago.
Stay tuned for Week 4! Big game against Arizona State!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Week 2 College Football Pool Commentary
1:15 p.m. on Saturday, September 6th 2008
(James Versaggi’s cell phone rings)
James: Who ‘dis?
T-Bone: James…T-Bone. Sup man?
James: You know, just waiting for 3:30 and the kickoff.
T-Bone: Sweet. Doing some serious tailgating with Bubenheim as we speak…awesome day in Athens! Tell me you’re somewhere getting drunk as hell right now!
James: Not exactly…
T-Bone: DUDE, that is so f*ckin’ weak! What the hell are you doing?!?!??!
James: I’m too ashamed to say.
T-Bone: Seriously, what are you doing right now?
James: Well…I’m uh…you know…just taking care of some things before the game starts.
T-Bone: Huh? What are you talking about? Where the hell are you?
James: Alright…I’m at Destination Maternity waiting for Shannon to try on some pants. Please don’t tell…
T-Bone: (Background) Bubenheim, Versaggi is shopping for maternity pants right now! …What were you about to say?
I’ll be the first to admit, not my proudest moment. After a nice little Saturday morning spent at USA Baby and Destination Maternity, the Georgia-CMU kickoff was approaching. I decided to take a quick shower when we returned home. After toweling off and singing “Bad to the Bone” while flexing in the mirror, it was time for me and the couch to get reacquainted for hours of football viewing.
Central Michigan is one of those annoying out of conference opponents you do not really want to play. Their QB, Dan “Can’t Fight” LeFevour is the equivalent of Tim Tebow-Lite. He can run, he can throw and improvise. These are the types of teams Georgia traditionally plays like they’re sleepwalking. I wasn’t so much nervous as I was anxious to see if we’d play with any fire. Right around the first minute, all anxiety was put to rest.
We actually played like a Top 5 team. Offensive execution was crisp, defensive intensity was there for the most part…to the tune of 9 penalties. The only times CMU threatened to get back in the game were demolished on a 78 yard interception our DE returned for a touchdown and a 52 yard Knowshon Moreno run for a touchdown.
You know how you’re always embarrassed to admit certain things? For instance, it was a little embarrassing for one of my brothers (Not saying which one) to admit he liked Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All.” It’s humiliating to admit I have been to an Avril Lavigne concert and loved every minute of it. Well, I’m not embarrassed to admit that I heart Knowshon! He had a run in the 3rd quarter where he hurdled a CMU safety and looked like Edwin Moses. I haven’t cried in several years (except at the Avril Lavigne concert when she inspired 13 year old girls be true to themselves and never let boys pressure them…you all would have too), but I came awfully close to tearing up with joy watching that athletic feat.
The only surprising part of this game was when Elvis launched at me from out of nowhere and bit my left nipple. Little punk got a pretty good hold of it too and didn’t stop clamping for about 3 seconds. Final Score: Dawgs 56 CMU 17.
What’s next for Georgia you might ask? Well, we’re off to Columbia a.k.a. hell on Earth, to play the South Carolina Thunder Chickens. South Carolina is coming off a loss to mighty Vanderbilt. Their QB’s have completed 6 passes to the wrong team, a tough feat for even the crappiest of QB’s. Their best offensive player is doubtful for this Saturday. Their head coach is one of the few people in this world I can honestly say I hate.
What should happen? All logic would point to a resounding Georgia victory. However, much like a guy who doesn’t like buffalo wings, I’m apprehensive of them and I definitely don’t trust them. USC always turns into the 1985 Chicago Bears when they play Georgia…just ask Captain Juicy Mouth himself, Lou Holtz, who I’m sure will pick South Carolina to win. South Carolina is like that unusual foot fungus I’ve had since my first shower in the Theta Chi House…they just won’t go away. I’m mentally preparing for a nail-biter when we make the trip. To add to the drama, this is a trip I make annually with my wife’s family. Shannon’s sister and husband are both USC alumni. Being gracious after a loss to USC is really tough for me, if not impossible. Last year wasn’t my finest hour after the heartbreaking defeat. I pretty much acted like a drunken CT from The Real World-Road Rules Challenge …without the insane pumped up body.
I promise to only do this a couple of times this season…please pray for a Georgia victory. I can’t handle another loss to USC…I just can’t. I would rather lick Bourbon Street and rinse my mouth in a Port-A Jon than lose to USC again.
On to some other important business. Every year there’s someone who thinks they’ve got this whole college football pool figured out. So, in a new segment I’d like to bring to you this week, please enjoy PHILLIP GOODWIN’S MORTAL LOCK OF THE WEEK.
Phillip, an avid West Virginia fan, has made two guarantees since participating in this pool. Last year he so wisely guaranteed a West Virginia victory in their final game of the season against Pitt. There was no way they’d lose to Pitt and ultimately, they would be playing for the BCS Championship. Didn’t go as planned and WVU crapped the bed against a 3-8 team…at home.
This past week, Phillip was heard to say, “I don’t say this very often, but West Virginia is guaranteed to cover ECU. Everyone thinks ECU is sooooo good because they beat a crappy Virginia Tech team. There’s no way they’ll be able to stop us…not with their defense. We’re only favored by 8.5 points. We’re gonna kill ‘em. No way they cover that game…no way.”
Final Score: ECU 24 West Virginia 3
Phillip, on behalf of the Bulldog Nation, please do not pick Georgia to cover, or even win this Saturday. You have officially been deemed as kryptonite to good football teams.
From a comedic standpoint, we do welcome your insight and knowledge on all things college football. Please feel free to further expand on any gut feelings you may have throughout the year.
Enjoy the rest of the week. I’ll return next week with all the details from the Georgia-South Carolina weekend!
Go Dawgs!
(James Versaggi’s cell phone rings)
James: Who ‘dis?
T-Bone: James…T-Bone. Sup man?
James: You know, just waiting for 3:30 and the kickoff.
T-Bone: Sweet. Doing some serious tailgating with Bubenheim as we speak…awesome day in Athens! Tell me you’re somewhere getting drunk as hell right now!
James: Not exactly…
T-Bone: DUDE, that is so f*ckin’ weak! What the hell are you doing?!?!??!
James: I’m too ashamed to say.
T-Bone: Seriously, what are you doing right now?
James: Well…I’m uh…you know…just taking care of some things before the game starts.
T-Bone: Huh? What are you talking about? Where the hell are you?
James: Alright…I’m at Destination Maternity waiting for Shannon to try on some pants. Please don’t tell…
T-Bone: (Background) Bubenheim, Versaggi is shopping for maternity pants right now! …What were you about to say?
I’ll be the first to admit, not my proudest moment. After a nice little Saturday morning spent at USA Baby and Destination Maternity, the Georgia-CMU kickoff was approaching. I decided to take a quick shower when we returned home. After toweling off and singing “Bad to the Bone” while flexing in the mirror, it was time for me and the couch to get reacquainted for hours of football viewing.
Central Michigan is one of those annoying out of conference opponents you do not really want to play. Their QB, Dan “Can’t Fight” LeFevour is the equivalent of Tim Tebow-Lite. He can run, he can throw and improvise. These are the types of teams Georgia traditionally plays like they’re sleepwalking. I wasn’t so much nervous as I was anxious to see if we’d play with any fire. Right around the first minute, all anxiety was put to rest.
We actually played like a Top 5 team. Offensive execution was crisp, defensive intensity was there for the most part…to the tune of 9 penalties. The only times CMU threatened to get back in the game were demolished on a 78 yard interception our DE returned for a touchdown and a 52 yard Knowshon Moreno run for a touchdown.
You know how you’re always embarrassed to admit certain things? For instance, it was a little embarrassing for one of my brothers (Not saying which one) to admit he liked Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All.” It’s humiliating to admit I have been to an Avril Lavigne concert and loved every minute of it. Well, I’m not embarrassed to admit that I heart Knowshon! He had a run in the 3rd quarter where he hurdled a CMU safety and looked like Edwin Moses. I haven’t cried in several years (except at the Avril Lavigne concert when she inspired 13 year old girls be true to themselves and never let boys pressure them…you all would have too), but I came awfully close to tearing up with joy watching that athletic feat.
The only surprising part of this game was when Elvis launched at me from out of nowhere and bit my left nipple. Little punk got a pretty good hold of it too and didn’t stop clamping for about 3 seconds. Final Score: Dawgs 56 CMU 17.
What’s next for Georgia you might ask? Well, we’re off to Columbia a.k.a. hell on Earth, to play the South Carolina Thunder Chickens. South Carolina is coming off a loss to mighty Vanderbilt. Their QB’s have completed 6 passes to the wrong team, a tough feat for even the crappiest of QB’s. Their best offensive player is doubtful for this Saturday. Their head coach is one of the few people in this world I can honestly say I hate.
What should happen? All logic would point to a resounding Georgia victory. However, much like a guy who doesn’t like buffalo wings, I’m apprehensive of them and I definitely don’t trust them. USC always turns into the 1985 Chicago Bears when they play Georgia…just ask Captain Juicy Mouth himself, Lou Holtz, who I’m sure will pick South Carolina to win. South Carolina is like that unusual foot fungus I’ve had since my first shower in the Theta Chi House…they just won’t go away. I’m mentally preparing for a nail-biter when we make the trip. To add to the drama, this is a trip I make annually with my wife’s family. Shannon’s sister and husband are both USC alumni. Being gracious after a loss to USC is really tough for me, if not impossible. Last year wasn’t my finest hour after the heartbreaking defeat. I pretty much acted like a drunken CT from The Real World-Road Rules Challenge …without the insane pumped up body.
I promise to only do this a couple of times this season…please pray for a Georgia victory. I can’t handle another loss to USC…I just can’t. I would rather lick Bourbon Street and rinse my mouth in a Port-A Jon than lose to USC again.
On to some other important business. Every year there’s someone who thinks they’ve got this whole college football pool figured out. So, in a new segment I’d like to bring to you this week, please enjoy PHILLIP GOODWIN’S MORTAL LOCK OF THE WEEK.
Phillip, an avid West Virginia fan, has made two guarantees since participating in this pool. Last year he so wisely guaranteed a West Virginia victory in their final game of the season against Pitt. There was no way they’d lose to Pitt and ultimately, they would be playing for the BCS Championship. Didn’t go as planned and WVU crapped the bed against a 3-8 team…at home.
This past week, Phillip was heard to say, “I don’t say this very often, but West Virginia is guaranteed to cover ECU. Everyone thinks ECU is sooooo good because they beat a crappy Virginia Tech team. There’s no way they’ll be able to stop us…not with their defense. We’re only favored by 8.5 points. We’re gonna kill ‘em. No way they cover that game…no way.”
Final Score: ECU 24 West Virginia 3
Phillip, on behalf of the Bulldog Nation, please do not pick Georgia to cover, or even win this Saturday. You have officially been deemed as kryptonite to good football teams.
From a comedic standpoint, we do welcome your insight and knowledge on all things college football. Please feel free to further expand on any gut feelings you may have throughout the year.
Enjoy the rest of the week. I’ll return next week with all the details from the Georgia-South Carolina weekend!
Go Dawgs!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Week 1 College Football Pool Commentary
Is there any better feeling than knowing the first weekend of college football is finally here? After months and months of frustration; watching anything I possibly could to pass the time…some of which I am quite embarrassed (The Hills, The Two Coreys, Olympic Badminton, The Girls Next Door, Chelsea Lately, …and the list could go on forever)…all is right with the world again. Nothing puts me in a better mood than waking up on Saturday morning knowing I’ll get to watch Georgia Football in a matter of hours. Georgia was scheduled for a 12:30 kickoff, available only on pay-per-view.
I was awoken by the wife at 7:30 on Saturday morning. This does not necessarily mean my wife was already up. This means my wife hit me on the shoulder while she was half asleep to let me know Elvis needed to be fed and taken outside. As always, I attempt to diffuse and avoid the issue by saying, “I think he’ll lie back down if we don’t make eye contact.” Wrong. I open my eyes 15 seconds after this statement and I am staring nose to nose with the 70 lb ball of terror. Based on prior experiences, the nose to nose staring will turn into face licking, then close quarters whining, then playing with the doorstop (which is unquestionably the most annoying thing in the world), and finally paws to the face…got to deal with this one.
After taking care of Elvis and getting a couple more hours of sleep under my belt, I’m completely amped for the day. I start watching College Gameday and begin walking around the house for no reason other than I need to do something to kill time. Elvis senses my anxiety, so like any good dog he sneaks upstairs and begins eating a pair of socks I was wearing the night before. An upstairs chase ensues, one that would make Benny Hill proud. Finally, Elvis relinquishes the completely destroyed footwear in favor of the chicken flavored dog treat. Final Score: Elvis 1, James 0.
In order to calm Elvis down, we throw him in the back of the car and take him to the dog park where he can run until he nears massive heart failure, destroying his will to annoy important television sporting events later in the afternoon. As we release Elvis into the dog park, he is on a mission. He runs at warp speed and bothers the hell out of any dog within the confines. I turned my head for one second and when I look back to find our pride and joy, it appears an enormous male dog has taken a fancy to Elvis. Wait a second…Is he?...Oh no!...Another dog is trying to mount Elvis, my worst fear. I made an Usain Bolt-like sprint toward the attempted sodomy of my dog screaming, “ELVIS, DON’T LET IT HAPPEN! PLEASE, DON’T LET IT HAPPEN!” Much to my delight, as soon as the enormous beast made his move, the completely non-violent Elvis wouldn’t have any of it! He snarled, barked and snapped at the sexually confused canine…who ran off to molest another unsuspecting, smaller victim. Long story short, I don’t think that huge dog, which must have just been sprung from the joint, will be bothering The King ever again.
After returning home from the dog park, it was nearly time for kickoff. I attempt to order the Georgia game on PPV and naturally, what should be a simple matter of pushing a couple of buttons turns into a complete nightmare. Apparently I am not allowed to order the PPV because it is not ready to be ordered. I’m dead serious…it was not ready to be ordered. I won’t go into the boring details of what it took for me to ultimately get this game successfully ordered. I begin to get furious when I think about the incompetent idiots who are responsible for delivering technology to my home.
As for Georgia game analysis, there’s really not a lot to tell (That’s why you’ve received the long-winded Elvis tale instead). We played a very good FCS team…we seemed to be able to do what we wanted to on offense…we seemed to step up on defense when the team decided to get motivated…there’s just not a lot to tell about a 12:30 opening week kickoff against an FCS team. I will tell you that #8 AJ Green, true freshman WR, is every bit as good as advertised. Comparisons to Randy Moss are not all that ridiculous. Watch him, he even runs like Moss. You will definitely be hearing more about AJ Green as this season wears on. Final score: Georgia 45 Georgia Southern 21
Because the Georgia game didn’t have a lot to offer, I wanted to take a little time to make fun of a few other teams.
Virginia Tech – I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed watching ECU not only beat you, but beat you playing “Beamer Ball.” By the way, being known for having the best special teams is like being known for running the office college football pool. It’ll get you some notoriety, but it rarely pays big dividends.
Virginia – You might want to pick up that enormous can of whoop ass USC left in your stadium. That was extremely painful to endure. It’s one thing to have USC beat the hell out of you as a team, it’s entirely another to watch their QB Brody Jenner…I mean Mark Sanchez look like Tom Brady.
Pitt – Did anybody else think Top 25 for a returning 4-8 team seemed a little ambitious? Anyone? Anyone?
Tennessee – Seriously, it’s OK that you lost to a team starting their 10th string QB after throwing 4 picks in the first half.
Illinois – If nobody else is going to fight me for it, I want to begin calling myself Juice. “The name is Juice…Juice Versaggi.”
And finally…
Clemson – I’m not going to tip-toe around this…what happened to Clemson was not good. Out of respect for our good friend Drew Cloninger, I won’t beat this to death…but something has to be said. Everyone’s seen The Accused, correct? Remember Jodie Foster on the pinball machine? Remember Clemson in the Georgia Dome on Saturday night? Yeah…I think that’s all that needs to be said.
Stay tuned for Week 2!
I was awoken by the wife at 7:30 on Saturday morning. This does not necessarily mean my wife was already up. This means my wife hit me on the shoulder while she was half asleep to let me know Elvis needed to be fed and taken outside. As always, I attempt to diffuse and avoid the issue by saying, “I think he’ll lie back down if we don’t make eye contact.” Wrong. I open my eyes 15 seconds after this statement and I am staring nose to nose with the 70 lb ball of terror. Based on prior experiences, the nose to nose staring will turn into face licking, then close quarters whining, then playing with the doorstop (which is unquestionably the most annoying thing in the world), and finally paws to the face…got to deal with this one.
After taking care of Elvis and getting a couple more hours of sleep under my belt, I’m completely amped for the day. I start watching College Gameday and begin walking around the house for no reason other than I need to do something to kill time. Elvis senses my anxiety, so like any good dog he sneaks upstairs and begins eating a pair of socks I was wearing the night before. An upstairs chase ensues, one that would make Benny Hill proud. Finally, Elvis relinquishes the completely destroyed footwear in favor of the chicken flavored dog treat. Final Score: Elvis 1, James 0.
In order to calm Elvis down, we throw him in the back of the car and take him to the dog park where he can run until he nears massive heart failure, destroying his will to annoy important television sporting events later in the afternoon. As we release Elvis into the dog park, he is on a mission. He runs at warp speed and bothers the hell out of any dog within the confines. I turned my head for one second and when I look back to find our pride and joy, it appears an enormous male dog has taken a fancy to Elvis. Wait a second…Is he?...Oh no!...Another dog is trying to mount Elvis, my worst fear. I made an Usain Bolt-like sprint toward the attempted sodomy of my dog screaming, “ELVIS, DON’T LET IT HAPPEN! PLEASE, DON’T LET IT HAPPEN!” Much to my delight, as soon as the enormous beast made his move, the completely non-violent Elvis wouldn’t have any of it! He snarled, barked and snapped at the sexually confused canine…who ran off to molest another unsuspecting, smaller victim. Long story short, I don’t think that huge dog, which must have just been sprung from the joint, will be bothering The King ever again.
After returning home from the dog park, it was nearly time for kickoff. I attempt to order the Georgia game on PPV and naturally, what should be a simple matter of pushing a couple of buttons turns into a complete nightmare. Apparently I am not allowed to order the PPV because it is not ready to be ordered. I’m dead serious…it was not ready to be ordered. I won’t go into the boring details of what it took for me to ultimately get this game successfully ordered. I begin to get furious when I think about the incompetent idiots who are responsible for delivering technology to my home.
As for Georgia game analysis, there’s really not a lot to tell (That’s why you’ve received the long-winded Elvis tale instead). We played a very good FCS team…we seemed to be able to do what we wanted to on offense…we seemed to step up on defense when the team decided to get motivated…there’s just not a lot to tell about a 12:30 opening week kickoff against an FCS team. I will tell you that #8 AJ Green, true freshman WR, is every bit as good as advertised. Comparisons to Randy Moss are not all that ridiculous. Watch him, he even runs like Moss. You will definitely be hearing more about AJ Green as this season wears on. Final score: Georgia 45 Georgia Southern 21
Because the Georgia game didn’t have a lot to offer, I wanted to take a little time to make fun of a few other teams.
Virginia Tech – I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed watching ECU not only beat you, but beat you playing “Beamer Ball.” By the way, being known for having the best special teams is like being known for running the office college football pool. It’ll get you some notoriety, but it rarely pays big dividends.
Virginia – You might want to pick up that enormous can of whoop ass USC left in your stadium. That was extremely painful to endure. It’s one thing to have USC beat the hell out of you as a team, it’s entirely another to watch their QB Brody Jenner…I mean Mark Sanchez look like Tom Brady.
Pitt – Did anybody else think Top 25 for a returning 4-8 team seemed a little ambitious? Anyone? Anyone?
Tennessee – Seriously, it’s OK that you lost to a team starting their 10th string QB after throwing 4 picks in the first half.
Illinois – If nobody else is going to fight me for it, I want to begin calling myself Juice. “The name is Juice…Juice Versaggi.”
And finally…
Clemson – I’m not going to tip-toe around this…what happened to Clemson was not good. Out of respect for our good friend Drew Cloninger, I won’t beat this to death…but something has to be said. Everyone’s seen The Accused, correct? Remember Jodie Foster on the pinball machine? Remember Clemson in the Georgia Dome on Saturday night? Yeah…I think that’s all that needs to be said.
Stay tuned for Week 2!
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