Week 3 College Football Pool Commentary

Columbia, South Carolina. If it isn’t the hottest damn place on earth, I don’t know what is. Seriously, how could you sell a top flight recruit on going to USC? “If you want to come to a school where you’ll lose 15 lbs. and feel nauseous every time you walk outside, then look no further than Gamecock Country!”

We arrived for tailgating festivities around 11:30 a.m. Kickoff was scheduled for 3:30 p.m. so this was adequate time to get my engine running. I kicked off the drinking with one of my 24 oz. PBR’s. Knowing the heat index was somewhere in quadruple digits, I had to work fast. After polishing off the initial PBR, I could just sense that I had the potential for a good day of drinking…sometimes you just know. However, a new variable was introduced into the day’s equation. I would be sitting with my Senior Vice President and his wife for the duration of the game. Did I mention they are big Gamecock fans?

As we have learned through the years, I am not the most passive of fans when cheering for my beloved Bulldogs. I have cheered to the edge of death and more importantly embarrassment. This was a critical career crossroads for me. As cool of a guy as my SVP is (Genuine Southerner who gets the whole football thing), nobody who has any career ambition would say, “To hell with it…I’m going full throttle baby! I change for nobody!” That’s a little too Stone Cold Steve Austin for the Non-WWE world we live in. At the same time, he would be able to see through some complete bullsh*t, Nancy-pants performance. I decided to call my good friend and confidant Lee Ericson to get his take on the situation an hour before walking into the game. Below is what Lee had to say.

“Where are you in terms of drunkenness? On a scale of 1-10, you sound like about a 4 or 5. OK…I’m gonna need you at about an 8.5 by the time you walk in. What’s the in-game liquor situation like?...Taking in 6 mini bottles of Jack Daniels, huh? Probably should have brought 8. Don’t go in with the mentality of holding back. You can’t bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. I’m going to need your A+ game. You gonna come through or be a little b*tch?”

No doubt, sage advice. In the end, I think I went into the game in the perfect frame of mind. I was petrified of losing to the Thunder Chickens, and at the same time I thought to myself, “We’re ranked #2, they’re out of the Top 25. They couldn’t score in a brothel and we’ve got two Heisman worthy players on offense. Seriously, why in the world would we lose this game?”

As we found our seats and exchanged pleasantries with the Bossman and his wife, it was time for kickoff. USC took our Optimist Soccer-like kick around the 20 and took it to about the 35. My fears were slowly being put to rest when USC couldn’t even gain a yard and was forced into a punt. Knowshon, you heard me, took the punt back 32 yards to set us up around midfield. Quick first down and things are looking good…until a good friend of the Georgia Program made his way to the field.

That’s right! Captain Butterfingers returns! Many of you know I am a big fan of Patrick Swayze. In the movie “Ghost,” Swayze has the ability to place himself inside of others’ bodies and inhabit their physical existence. Captain Buttefingers is no different. He first violated our TE Tripp Chandler and killed the first two drives on highlycatchable 3rd down throws. Not to discriminate, he hopped into WR Kris Durham’s body and forced him to drop a ball in the end zone.

There is no stronger force in the universe than Captain Butterfingers. He has many friends that occasionally frequent the Georgia program such as “Sergeant Sniper” who makes our players fall when running in wide open spaces, “Colonel Clock Management” who prevents players from running out of bounds at the end of the game, “Corporal Keep-It-Real” who commands players to commit personal fouls to sustain opposing teams’ drives, “Major Red Cross” who is responsible for making sure 3 of our 10 best players sustain season ending injuries during fall camp, and “Commander Kickball” who ensures our kickoffs don’t go beyond the 20 yard line. Of all these heroes, Captain Butterfingers is by far the strongest over the past 8 years. He stands alone on the Mt. Olympus that represents a potential Georgia Football demise.

The first half ended in typical UGA-USC fashion. Georgia misses two opportunities to put it in the end zone for a 10-7 lead. Instead, we settle for another field goal and hit the locker room down 7-6…to a team that lost to Vanderbilt the previous week. At least we can make halftime adjustments, right? Surely the better team should prevail, right?

Well, asking Georgia to handily beat a team that has overall inferior personnel is like asking Serena Williams to make her a** look a little smaller, it’s probably not in the cards. We put together a nice scoring drive in the third quarter, finished off by Knowshon who broke something like 75 tackles on a 4 yard TD run. Two point conversion is good and we’re up 14-7. Then the roller coaster ride from hell would begin.

USC crossed the 50 on every possession after our touchdown. The Ol’ Ball Coach showed some flashes of brilliance once again and began killing our linebackers who were matched up with their tight end. If bad things happen to you over and over again, would you do something different to fix the problem? Would you continue to whiz on the electric fence? Would you continue going into the YMCA sauna knowing “Old Man Rat’s Brain” is “hanging” around without a towel and dying for conversation? Would you continue to date Spencer Pratt? Based on the events of Saturday afternoon, Georgia would answer all of these with an emphatic, “HELL YES!” USC ends up with the ball on our 2 yard line with 2nd and Goal when Rennie “The Little Ball of Hate” Curran pops the ball loose and we recover the fumble for a touchback, dropping my heart rate to 140 bpm.

After a 3 and out, our punter launches a 77 yard punt to make the Bulldog Nation feel a little bit better. The feeling was short lived when USC drove right back down the field, exploiting our pass interference and personal foul prone defenders. But, USC did as USC does and they turned it over on downs, making the game look all but over. The Bossman decides to leave at this point to beat traffic and leaves me with this statement, “See ‘ya James, you can be yourself now buddy.”

After failing to get a 1st down, we keep USC’s hopes alive but they have 90 yards to go to tie the game. Almost a third of that was wiped out in 1 play because we refuse to cover the tight end…I’m aggravated. Using the Bossman’s advice, it’s time to show my true colors. Georgia gets a pass interference call giving USC a free 15 yards…I’m really pissed. Next play, another pass interference call for another 15 yards…I’m incensed beyond the point rage.

I begin yelling at the officiating and their mothers. USC fans are smiling a little bit too much for me at this point…this is annoying. Next play, holding on USC (I think I made some inane comment/shout after this holding call, strictly out of complete anger and frustration…saying USC couldn’t hold a pair of nuts or something...guess I say some weird sh*t in the heat of the moment). Finally, USC did as only USC does and threw an interception that we downed on the 3 yard line. Game Over. Final Score: Georgia 14 USC 7.

In a classy move, I spin around a few times waving at all the USC fans letting them know it was a nice try…and probably said something else about them holding their nuts. In addition, I began to make the, “You want a piece of me” hand gesture at anyone who entertained my provoking. I think my wife was clearly turned on by my outlandish behavior and afterward admitted she never found me sexier.

That just about does it. Quick thanks to my sister-in-law, Kelley, and her husband, AJ, who were much classier in defeat than I was a year ago.
Stay tuned for Week 4! Big game against Arizona State!