Week 1 College Football Pool Commentary

Is there any better feeling than knowing the first weekend of college football is finally here? After months and months of frustration; watching anything I possibly could to pass the time…some of which I am quite embarrassed (The Hills, The Two Coreys, Olympic Badminton, The Girls Next Door, Chelsea Lately, …and the list could go on forever)…all is right with the world again. Nothing puts me in a better mood than waking up on Saturday morning knowing I’ll get to watch Georgia Football in a matter of hours. Georgia was scheduled for a 12:30 kickoff, available only on pay-per-view.

I was awoken by the wife at 7:30 on Saturday morning. This does not necessarily mean my wife was already up. This means my wife hit me on the shoulder while she was half asleep to let me know Elvis needed to be fed and taken outside. As always, I attempt to diffuse and avoid the issue by saying, “I think he’ll lie back down if we don’t make eye contact.” Wrong. I open my eyes 15 seconds after this statement and I am staring nose to nose with the 70 lb ball of terror. Based on prior experiences, the nose to nose staring will turn into face licking, then close quarters whining, then playing with the doorstop (which is unquestionably the most annoying thing in the world), and finally paws to the face…got to deal with this one.

After taking care of Elvis and getting a couple more hours of sleep under my belt, I’m completely amped for the day. I start watching College Gameday and begin walking around the house for no reason other than I need to do something to kill time. Elvis senses my anxiety, so like any good dog he sneaks upstairs and begins eating a pair of socks I was wearing the night before. An upstairs chase ensues, one that would make Benny Hill proud. Finally, Elvis relinquishes the completely destroyed footwear in favor of the chicken flavored dog treat. Final Score: Elvis 1, James 0.

In order to calm Elvis down, we throw him in the back of the car and take him to the dog park where he can run until he nears massive heart failure, destroying his will to annoy important television sporting events later in the afternoon. As we release Elvis into the dog park, he is on a mission. He runs at warp speed and bothers the hell out of any dog within the confines. I turned my head for one second and when I look back to find our pride and joy, it appears an enormous male dog has taken a fancy to Elvis. Wait a second…Is he?...Oh no!...Another dog is trying to mount Elvis, my worst fear. I made an Usain Bolt-like sprint toward the attempted sodomy of my dog screaming, “ELVIS, DON’T LET IT HAPPEN! PLEASE, DON’T LET IT HAPPEN!” Much to my delight, as soon as the enormous beast made his move, the completely non-violent Elvis wouldn’t have any of it! He snarled, barked and snapped at the sexually confused canine…who ran off to molest another unsuspecting, smaller victim. Long story short, I don’t think that huge dog, which must have just been sprung from the joint, will be bothering The King ever again.

After returning home from the dog park, it was nearly time for kickoff. I attempt to order the Georgia game on PPV and naturally, what should be a simple matter of pushing a couple of buttons turns into a complete nightmare. Apparently I am not allowed to order the PPV because it is not ready to be ordered. I’m dead serious…it was not ready to be ordered. I won’t go into the boring details of what it took for me to ultimately get this game successfully ordered. I begin to get furious when I think about the incompetent idiots who are responsible for delivering technology to my home.

As for Georgia game analysis, there’s really not a lot to tell (That’s why you’ve received the long-winded Elvis tale instead). We played a very good FCS team…we seemed to be able to do what we wanted to on offense…we seemed to step up on defense when the team decided to get motivated…there’s just not a lot to tell about a 12:30 opening week kickoff against an FCS team. I will tell you that #8 AJ Green, true freshman WR, is every bit as good as advertised. Comparisons to Randy Moss are not all that ridiculous. Watch him, he even runs like Moss. You will definitely be hearing more about AJ Green as this season wears on. Final score: Georgia 45 Georgia Southern 21

Because the Georgia game didn’t have a lot to offer, I wanted to take a little time to make fun of a few other teams.

Virginia Tech – I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed watching ECU not only beat you, but beat you playing “Beamer Ball.” By the way, being known for having the best special teams is like being known for running the office college football pool. It’ll get you some notoriety, but it rarely pays big dividends.

Virginia – You might want to pick up that enormous can of whoop ass USC left in your stadium. That was extremely painful to endure. It’s one thing to have USC beat the hell out of you as a team, it’s entirely another to watch their QB Brody Jenner…I mean Mark Sanchez look like Tom Brady.

Pitt – Did anybody else think Top 25 for a returning 4-8 team seemed a little ambitious? Anyone? Anyone?

Tennessee – Seriously, it’s OK that you lost to a team starting their 10th string QB after throwing 4 picks in the first half.

Illinois – If nobody else is going to fight me for it, I want to begin calling myself Juice. “The name is Juice…Juice Versaggi.”

And finally…

Clemson – I’m not going to tip-toe around this…what happened to Clemson was not good. Out of respect for our good friend Drew Cloninger, I won’t beat this to death…but something has to be said. Everyone’s seen The Accused, correct? Remember Jodie Foster on the pinball machine? Remember Clemson in the Georgia Dome on Saturday night? Yeah…I think that’s all that needs to be said.

Stay tuned for Week 2!