Week 2 College Football Pool Commentary

1:15 p.m. on Saturday, September 6th 2008

(James Versaggi’s cell phone rings)

James: Who ‘dis?
T-Bone: James…T-Bone. Sup man?
James: You know, just waiting for 3:30 and the kickoff.
T-Bone: Sweet. Doing some serious tailgating with Bubenheim as we speak…awesome day in Athens! Tell me you’re somewhere getting drunk as hell right now!
James: Not exactly…
T-Bone: DUDE, that is so f*ckin’ weak! What the hell are you doing?!?!??!
James: I’m too ashamed to say.
T-Bone: Seriously, what are you doing right now?
James: Well…I’m uh…you know…just taking care of some things before the game starts.
T-Bone: Huh? What are you talking about? Where the hell are you?
James: Alright…I’m at Destination Maternity waiting for Shannon to try on some pants. Please don’t tell…
T-Bone: (Background) Bubenheim, Versaggi is shopping for maternity pants right now! …What were you about to say?

I’ll be the first to admit, not my proudest moment. After a nice little Saturday morning spent at USA Baby and Destination Maternity, the Georgia-CMU kickoff was approaching. I decided to take a quick shower when we returned home. After toweling off and singing “Bad to the Bone” while flexing in the mirror, it was time for me and the couch to get reacquainted for hours of football viewing.

Central Michigan is one of those annoying out of conference opponents you do not really want to play. Their QB, Dan “Can’t Fight” LeFevour is the equivalent of Tim Tebow-Lite. He can run, he can throw and improvise. These are the types of teams Georgia traditionally plays like they’re sleepwalking. I wasn’t so much nervous as I was anxious to see if we’d play with any fire. Right around the first minute, all anxiety was put to rest.

We actually played like a Top 5 team. Offensive execution was crisp, defensive intensity was there for the most part…to the tune of 9 penalties. The only times CMU threatened to get back in the game were demolished on a 78 yard interception our DE returned for a touchdown and a 52 yard Knowshon Moreno run for a touchdown.

You know how you’re always embarrassed to admit certain things? For instance, it was a little embarrassing for one of my brothers (Not saying which one) to admit he liked Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All.” It’s humiliating to admit I have been to an Avril Lavigne concert and loved every minute of it. Well, I’m not embarrassed to admit that I heart Knowshon! He had a run in the 3rd quarter where he hurdled a CMU safety and looked like Edwin Moses. I haven’t cried in several years (except at the Avril Lavigne concert when she inspired 13 year old girls be true to themselves and never let boys pressure them…you all would have too), but I came awfully close to tearing up with joy watching that athletic feat.

The only surprising part of this game was when Elvis launched at me from out of nowhere and bit my left nipple. Little punk got a pretty good hold of it too and didn’t stop clamping for about 3 seconds. Final Score: Dawgs 56 CMU 17.

What’s next for Georgia you might ask? Well, we’re off to Columbia a.k.a. hell on Earth, to play the South Carolina Thunder Chickens. South Carolina is coming off a loss to mighty Vanderbilt. Their QB’s have completed 6 passes to the wrong team, a tough feat for even the crappiest of QB’s. Their best offensive player is doubtful for this Saturday. Their head coach is one of the few people in this world I can honestly say I hate.

What should happen? All logic would point to a resounding Georgia victory. However, much like a guy who doesn’t like buffalo wings, I’m apprehensive of them and I definitely don’t trust them. USC always turns into the 1985 Chicago Bears when they play Georgia…just ask Captain Juicy Mouth himself, Lou Holtz, who I’m sure will pick South Carolina to win. South Carolina is like that unusual foot fungus I’ve had since my first shower in the Theta Chi House…they just won’t go away. I’m mentally preparing for a nail-biter when we make the trip. To add to the drama, this is a trip I make annually with my wife’s family. Shannon’s sister and husband are both USC alumni. Being gracious after a loss to USC is really tough for me, if not impossible. Last year wasn’t my finest hour after the heartbreaking defeat. I pretty much acted like a drunken CT from The Real World-Road Rules Challenge …without the insane pumped up body.

I promise to only do this a couple of times this season…please pray for a Georgia victory. I can’t handle another loss to USC…I just can’t. I would rather lick Bourbon Street and rinse my mouth in a Port-A Jon than lose to USC again.

On to some other important business. Every year there’s someone who thinks they’ve got this whole college football pool figured out. So, in a new segment I’d like to bring to you this week, please enjoy PHILLIP GOODWIN’S MORTAL LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Phillip, an avid West Virginia fan, has made two guarantees since participating in this pool. Last year he so wisely guaranteed a West Virginia victory in their final game of the season against Pitt. There was no way they’d lose to Pitt and ultimately, they would be playing for the BCS Championship. Didn’t go as planned and WVU crapped the bed against a 3-8 team…at home.

This past week, Phillip was heard to say, “I don’t say this very often, but West Virginia is guaranteed to cover ECU. Everyone thinks ECU is sooooo good because they beat a crappy Virginia Tech team. There’s no way they’ll be able to stop us…not with their defense. We’re only favored by 8.5 points. We’re gonna kill ‘em. No way they cover that game…no way.”

Final Score: ECU 24 West Virginia 3

Phillip, on behalf of the Bulldog Nation, please do not pick Georgia to cover, or even win this Saturday. You have officially been deemed as kryptonite to good football teams.

From a comedic standpoint, we do welcome your insight and knowledge on all things college football. Please feel free to further expand on any gut feelings you may have throughout the year.

Enjoy the rest of the week. I’ll return next week with all the details from the Georgia-South Carolina weekend!

Go Dawgs!