Week 4 College Football Pool Commentary

What is it about people who think a fall wedding is a good idea? If you’re from South Dakota or something, I can understand why you wouldn’t have the foresight to think about the ramifications of a fall wedding. But, when you are a self respecting couple from the South, you should be considerate to those who you would like to come to your wedding. There are a total of 14 weekends that encompass the college football season, which includes conference championships…14 only. Is it really too much to ask that people aim for one of the other 38 weekends? I would rather you ask me to help you move to Columbia, during the month of July, than ask me to attend your wedding on a big football weekend. Am I out of line here?

I know people’s personal schedules get in the way and I understand the issues that come with having a full time career where your options can be limited. This is very much the exception and not the rule. There are two things that are acceptable to cause football fans to miss a great weekend of football…birth of at least a semi-immediate family member (no more removed than a niece or nephew) and death of a close relative (must be someone legitimately on your family tree). There’s no in-between. And no, even if you are not going to the game, it’s still not cool to keep someone away from their TV on a fall weekend.

Suffice it to say, we had to attend a 5:00 p.m. wedding this weekend in Asheville. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the wife was completely thrilled about the idea of going to another fall wedding, but she felt a sense of duty and obligation…and most importantly, I think she wanted to brag to all of her friends about being impregnated by a man as great as me. As a firm believer in compromise (after whining like a 12 year old girl and trying like hell to get out of it when the invitation arrived), I agreed that I would go to the wedding if we could leave early and make it back home around 9:30 p.m. (Georgia vs. ASU would kick off at 8:00 p.m., so I could catch up with the coverage using DVR). This was still a tremendous sacrifice for me because UF-UT was on at 3:30 p.m. and LSU-Auburn was on at 7:45 p.m. This was easily the best football weekend of the young season. Yep, they couldn’t have done this on the first or second week of the season when all the games suck.

We leave for the wedding around 3:00 p.m. and the wife is driving like A.J. Foyt to get there on time…pretty impressive moves through the mountains, I must admit. Why does my wife take the driving responsibilities on a road trip, one might ask? Well, she gets to drive a cooler, more fun car than I do and I think she enjoys watching me go through car envy while making tight turns in the mountains. I wonder if she gets pleasure from denying me these little joys in life.

When we arrive at the wedding/reception locale, we realize we’re in for a hippie wedding. Yep, the couple is getting married in the equivalent of a cleared out forest. The hippie setting is completed with two earthy, unshaven, sensitive pony-tail men playing guitar near the altar. These two guys have clearly put on their best short-sleeve, organic shirts for the occasion. The most entertaining part of the ceremony was a duet with these two men singing some hippie song for the audience. I always find it hilarious watching two guys look at each other after they softly belt out the chorus in unison. They stare at each other as if to say, “Gosh, we really are in sync tonight. I’m really feeling your vibe. I love the music we make together…it’s magical! What are you doing later tonight? Do you want to smoke some clove cigarettes and talk about the all acoustic album we should put together? I love you man…no, I really do.”

After the hippie ceremony, we adjourned to the large tent for the reception. This was a high school reunion of sorts for the wife, so with me in tow, she had to make the typical rounds and play the catch-up game. The most entertaining part of the reception was watching Shannon approach people she had not seen in a long time, knowing she was four months pregnant. There’s still a lot of pride and vanity in Shannon and right now she’s at the stage where she has just a little “bump” in the waist area. Knowing this little bump was visible and in semi-formal dress, yet not wanting anyone to think she has let herself go, she was incredibly proactive at coming forward with the news of her pregnancy. Conversations would go something like this, “…Good to see you too! It’s been probably two years since we’ve seen each other. You look great! By the way, I’m not getting fat. I’m 4 months pregnant.” This was classic entertainment for me.

After doing the reception thing and grabbing a quick bite of some pretty damn good food, I check the clock. It’s 7:30 p.m., which means it’s time to wrap up insincere and empty promise conversations so we can hit the road. Surprisingly, we were able to get out of there with minimum trouble. We stopped at no less than three gas stations before finally finding Unleaded Plus and two 24 oz. beers for me to drink on the ride home.

So, this wedding wasn’t necessarily a bad or great event. It was fine, nothing better and nothing worse. It was just improperly planned. I’m thinking about opening up a new business of wedding consulting…notice how I didn’t say wedding planning. I would consult people on acceptable dates one can throw a wedding. OK, so it’s not the iPod, but I think it will make me feel better.

For three straight years I have claimed I would send out an e-mail to all friends, and even loose acquaintances, letting them know my fall schedule and weekends I would not be available. I really don’t know why I haven’t followed through on this. So, this seems as good of a time as any to give you my remaining fall schedule and weekends I will not be able to attend any events.

DVR Will Suffice If Desperate:

October 18th – We play Vanderbilt at home.
November 8th – We play Kentucky in Lexington.
November 29th – We play Georgia Tech at home.

Forget It! I Will Only Miss These Games For The Following Reasons:
· Elvis eats entire box of nails and must be rushed to vet.
· Wife eats entire chocolate cake and must be rushed to Hospital.
· Pete Sampras requests me for hitting partner on Centre Court at Wimbledon.
· Sever, or suffer severe laceration to my “package.”

September 27th – We play Alabama at home.
October 11th – We play Tennessee at home.
October 25th – We play LSU in Baton Rouge.
November 1st – We play Florida in Jacksonville.
November 15th – We play Auburn in Auburn.
December 6th – Optional, if Georgia plays in SEC Championship Game.

Now that I’ve gotten those dates out of the way, I’d like for all of the couples who plan to marry during football season to remember one last thing. It may be your special day that you only get to do once in your life, but to everyone else it’s just another wedding that we’ve been to a thousand times. If it’s an autumn wedding, don’t hold your breath waiting for RSVP’s. But, at least you’ll know where you stand on the totem pole of your friends’ loyalties!

By the way, Georgia kicked the sh*t out of Arizona State. I could go over all the highlights, but it would require a lot more time. Equally impressive was Alabama, who stomped the crap out of Arkansas. So, huge game in Athens this weekend!

See you next week!